( cheers and applause ) >> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is your moment of zen >> confirming will and kate are pregnant >> the new princess is pregnant captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause )

♪ ♪ "the colbert report" ♪ ♪ "the colbert report" ♪ "the colbert report" ♪ ♪ (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report! stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: well come to the report. good to you have with us, lady its and gentlemen, let

me begin by saying ellen silla lumen omentielvo. (applause) >> stephen: i slipped in a little quenya there, i'm just so pumped about the new hobbit movie about that hobbit, the hobbit. hobbit, hobbit, hobbit. you ever say a word so pain times it sounds like somebody just made it up? anyway, this thursday is the new york premier of peter jackson's j.r.r. tolkien the hobbit part one, an unexpected journey, tokyo drift. (laughter) and this week we got all the big stars. sir ian mckellen, gandalf the grey. (cheers and applause) we got sir martin freeman, bilbo baggins. (cheers and applause) sir peter jackson who played a very convincing film director.

and sir andy serkis who is either the man who played caesar in rise of the planet of the aprils or he is a superchimp who plays this man. (laughter) (applause) and we have got for your pleasure we've got an even bigger tolkien name lined up to host our hobbit week, me. (cheers and applause) as peter jackson himself said of me in entertainment weekly, quote, i have never met a bigger tolkien geek in my life. you hear that? you hear that girls from middle school? i'm not a geek. i'm king geek. (cheers and applause) you just, bud heee just handling there for another five years. you want a payoff? of course once it got out on the internet that i had visited the set of the hobbit new zealand last year it touched off a firestorm

in the media about my possible involvement in the movie. started with the christian science upon ter's innocent question, will stephen colbert appear in the hobbit? followed by "the hollywood reporter" as stephen colbert to make cameo in the hobbit. and then the bombshell examiner headline, the hobbit movie news stephen colbert to star in lord of the rings prequel. i have to say-- i have to say that was an exciting and unverified escalation of my career. but is any of it true? well, my lips are sealed. but let me ask you this: if i did not appear in the hobbit trilogy, why do i have the elvish blade string. (cheers and applause) one of the original stings used in the lord of the ring the trilogy, where did i get t find it in a mountain

troll cave or is it just some prop. oh no, this was made in gondolin before the fall. (cheers and applause) nation, i love new york city. the big apple, the city that never sleeps, rat xanadu. so i was crushed to learn the metropolis i know and love has changed, not one person was murdered in new york city on monday. nypd deputy commissioner paul brown couldn't even remember the last time a day went by where not one person was shot, stabbed or slashed. (laughter)

>> stephen: what happened? i remember the real new york of the '80s, when in a single night you could score some weed, catch a times square porno and then get stabbed in the neck by a coked-up lou reed. and that was a pretty good first datement now times square has become a disney bubba gump wimp company. the worst that could happen is one of those giant m & ms tries to flash you its peanut. where is the thrilling dangerous city of midnight cowboy or taxi driver? >> you talking to me? >> stephen: i wish i was talking to you. (laughter) instead of i'm talking to her. supercalifragislisticexpiali -- supercalifragislisticexpiali [bleep] me. folk, i've had it, had it. this disturbing lack of violence is not just a problem for our city t is a problem for the republican party. in this last election they

lost the blacks. they lost the women, they lost young voters. they lost latinos by 44%. even more surprising they failed it to get 100% of the white male vote. but there might be a way to turn the voter tide in the gop's favor and it brings us to tonight's word. (cheers and applause) base instinct. now, folk, the climbing street violence may seem like a positive development to some. but as "the washington post" charles lane recently wrote fear of street crime once converted many a white working class democrat into a republican. but safer streets have now blunted what was once a sharp wedge issue. and folks, without crime the gop's only remaining wedge issues are gay marriage, immigration, flag burning, voter fraud, welfare, gun control and of course contraception. now in the good old-- (laughter)

in the good old bad days of the '80s republicans could turn out the suburban white vote simply by showing images of scary guys like willie horton being allowed to go in and out of prison. to this day i'm terrified to go through a revolving door. (laughter) now getting-- tough on crime was a key conservative issue that is gone. and worse, it's the conservative's own damn fault. take rudy giuliani. the republican tough on crime new york mayor who cracked down on turnstile jumpers, broken windows and squeegee guys. squeegee guys without curiously disappeared right before the opening of new york's body exhibits. (laughter) unfortunately, unfortunately it, withouted too well. now the right is being punished for its own success. like dentists who gave us fluoride and to you don't have cavities to fill or my

teach a man to fish seafood restaurant. no one ever comes back. we have got to do something to scare white voters into voting republican. so tonight-- (laughter) >> tonight, ladies and gentlemen, i am calling on all of america's disenfranchised minorities to violently rise up against the white male patriarchy that is keeping you down. it is time to stick it to the man. and i should know, i'm the man. (laughter) i mean look-- look-- look at everything i have. you see this ipad? see this ipad right here, i got it for free. and my free ipad has its own free miniipad which has its own free iphone 5, which has a free nano, which has its own free shuffle. i can afford all this but i don't have to pay for it.

doesn't that just make you want to bluferjon me with a chair leg until i burst open like a cash pinata? meanwhile-- (applause) meanwhile down troden, your future prospects are pretty dim. i mean have you heard the coming cuts to public education or food stamps? have you heard about the cuts to medicaid? and folks, let me tell you, the rich just get richer. so really mugging an old couple outside the operahouse is a form of justice. i mean think about it-- (laughter) ultimately all of in is society's fault and i say it's pay back time. you know what might put you in the mind-set for mayhem? nice big bag of meth. hmmmm, some of the tasty blue, go nuts. tweak out. torch a mall food court.

so on behalf, on behalf of all my friends in the republican party, please do something frightening between now and the midterm elections because if you do not, the republicans will have to do something truly terrifying like addressing the needs of blacks, women and hispanics. and that's the word. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) úáé!é!é!é!&íki÷z÷z-a

>> welcome back, everybody, thanks, folks. nation, the network has informed me time and again of the importance of the 18 to 34-year-old demographic. so i figure appealing to the

68 to 94-year-old must be three times as important. so every once in a while i like to take a moment to address older viewers personally. this is stephen colbert's senior moment. nation, as you age you start to face some tough questions like why is it so cold in here. or who is twitter. and why doesn't that coloured nurse like it when i call her that coloured nurse. but more than anything you wonder where you'll spend your golden years, nursing homes can be isolating and catherine zeta-jones can only marry one old man at a time. now sure, your adult children could take you in but if you lived in the basement where would they put the bumper pool table. the grandkids need that to throw their wet coats on. luckily the solution could be as close as the very lawn

you yell at kids to keep off. >> we're checking out a business that makes grange pods that is what they are calling them, long-term care housing options for the elderly. they're portable. they can be set up right on your property n your backyard if you want. the units are specifically designed to meet the needs of your loved ones and are an option some say to choosing over nursing homes. >> stephen: yes, a grahnee pod. why spend time in a cold, sterile hospital environment far from your family when you could be in a cold, sterile hostile environment within sight of your family. in your very own medical grade shed. for just $85 to $125,000, grahnee pods offer a cozy 12 by 24 feet, almost one/8th of a volleyball court. sure it's small but think how often your granddaughter will visit once she sees you living in a doll house. and you won't need a live-in

nurse because the grahnee pod is packed with the one thing helder-- elderly people love most, technology. >> we put an automatic dispenser that in turn the caregiver can pull up on their ipad and they can see whether or not they've taken their medication. >> now your family can check your meds from their ipad. it is medical care with all the bedside manner of an automatic cat feeder. (laughter) now i'm aware, i'm aware, folks, not everybody has the backyard space for a grahnee pod. that is why tonight i'm proud to introduce my new product for budget conscious golden age living stephen colbert's peepaw crate. it's a state of the art grandparent storage solution that is roof rack ready. and it comes with an attachable automatic hydration system which can be filled with water and sure t on holidays, whiskey

sours. call now and be sure to ask the operator about our other elder care products stephen colbert's-- a little slice of heaven. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) @ h"h"/2l1e[,xn!

>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is an actor who has appeared in numerous roles in the royal shakespeare company and the national theatre. i will ask him who would win in a fight magneto or gandalf. please welcome ian mckellen. (cheers and applause) mr. mckelan, thank you so much for joining me. what a pleasure, good to see you. >> i've missed, i don't understand telephonement when i'm on the set in hobbit and i expect people to be a lot smaller than me. >> stephen: but i -- >> i never thought to say this, stephen colbert, you're big. >> stephen: thank you. >> where the hell are your ears in. >> stephen: i actually have one elf ear if you look closely. >> you do. >> stephen: i do, i will show you my wizard trick,

watch this ready? all right. >> oh, oh. nice, eh? gandalf can't do that. >> i can do other things. >> stephen: this is a family show. >> exactly. >> stephen: now 50 year career, theatre, film, acclaimed. you finally did something good with the gandalf thing, okay. all right. >> i got myself a franchise. >> stephen: you did, you did. now i know everybody's got bated breath to see a little taste of it. so jimmy, let's show the good people what they came here for. >> oh, yeah. >> bilbo, this is about your -- >> i can't take this. >> the blade is of elvish make which means it will blow blue when o x's-- orcs

or goblins are nearby. >> i have never used a sword in my life. >> and i hope you never have to. but if you do, remember this, true courage is about living learning not when to take a life but when to-- (cheers and applause) >> he really is good, isn't he? >> stephen: he really is. >> and so is par tin freeman. >> stephen: was it hard for to you go back to gandalf the grey after having been gandalf the white, it is kind of a demotion. >> i never really liked gandalf the white, he's such-- . >> stephen: where not. >> he's such a stick, so boring. >> stephen: he had fabulous hair. >> that is truement but no jokes. >> stephen: oh, so gandalf the grey. >> no smokinging, no drinking, no-- you can believe it, in kid's movie

and all the characters smoke. i love it. >> stephen: now we talked about politics for a secretary. >> please. >> stephen: okay. you are a gay rights advocate. >> uh-huh. >> stephen: is that the proper term. >> well, i'm gay so of course (cheers and applause) >> stephen: you know i'm a fan, i've already gurbd. here is my beef with you. okay. by being openly gay and a gay rights advocate and being a beloved star of billion dollar blockbusters, my fear is you don't just make gay seem acceptable, okay, which i have my own problems with. you make it seem heroic. >> ah. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: okay, are you the sharp knifepoint of the gay agenda trying to brainwash our children. >> well, that's what the republican party think and fear but there we go.

but i have played some horrible men in my time like macbeth. >> stephen: all of them are great too. >> they are gay murders and i have news for you, gay people do all sorts of things. sometimes they are good, and sometimes not so good. they're just like the rest of you. >> stephen: so you will admit that sometimes gay people are terrible. you will odd hit that. >> that's right. you know we're making a sequel. >> stephen: to what. >> in middle earth, actually perhaps i shouldn't say. it gandalf the gay. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: so tell me, please -- >> and you get to find out who is his favorite dwarf. >> stephen: i can't wait to see it in 3-d is all i'm saying. (laughter) how do you feel what is it like dealing with those tolkien nerds, those guys who must come up to you -- >> people like you? >> stephen: well, i guess, yes. >> you are the sweetest, most intelligent caring people that you meet,

seriously. i went down in comicon in san diego. all the fans are there, all the geeks and nerds so, called. i go down and see them sleeping out, waiting for our presentation, they turn out to be teachers and students and literary majors. >> stephen: and pundit. >> and pundits. >> stephen: what about the people who are really annoying who think they-- i know more about your character than you do, ian mckellen, and they -- >> are you back to yourself again. >> stephen: what? well, i guess i do know a lot about it. >> i bet you know what gandalf's middle name is. >> stephen: 50 shades. >> there you go. do you know what your character's name was over in valinor. >> olorin. >> stephen: do you know which he hung out withness with lots of them. >> stephen: no, nenyar. the balaor greece, mi

beating gandalf the grey. >> are you. and let's not get on to magneto. >> stephen: are you ever tempted when you were like, when are you playing gandalf and the orcs are coming at you are you attempted to use that magneto power and take their swords from them. >> no, gandalf is more powerful than magneto. >> stephen: could gandalf beat magneto. >> yes, every time. the old guy will do it every time, he is 7,000 years old. he knows it all. i love gandalf the grey. i love him. >> stephen: and i love you, ian mckellen. (cheers and applause) thank you so much, thank you so much, ian mckellen. the hobbit. we'll be right back. thank you sop much